i haven’t really felt this bad in awhile. i can’t stop crying anymore so i feel like maybe writing something will help. it’s 12:39 in the morning and i feel like a piece of shit. i just do. i’m alone and i feel like i’ve just been really stupid. i tried to change so much from how i used to be,e veryone always tells me how much of an asshole or how annoying i was and then everyone tells me they just don’t like me now. and maybe i changed too much. maybe i was right. im not a good person. i’d like to be. but i don’t know. i always felt like i just shouldn’t be around other people, that something was wrong with me and holy shit i think i was right. and i know people’s knee-jerk reaction to that is ‘no, you’re fine justt the way you are.’ no. i’m not. i just want to tear everything up. maybe im not likable. why would anyone like me? what’s likable about me? people say things. he says things and then he says other things and his opinion matters to me the most. i’m not a princess. i’m not fragile but around him i am. i’ve been called a whore, a heifer, a hoe, stupid, ugly, broken, freaky, scary, and i’ve never cried. i felt hurt but i got over it in a minute. i could discredit them. i don’t mean ‘hey they’re stupid too,’ but i knew they didn’t know me or that their opinion was irrelevant to me anyway. no one else’s opinion matters but one person and when that one person says something, it’s hard not to want to just disappear. you feel like you shouldn’t be around anyone. useless. worthless.
and what can i do? i can’t help feeling bad. i can’t help crying knowing he’s falling out of love with me. and i just keep thinking, like, i was right. no one could. i remember thinking, often, ‘somethings just wrong with me.’ and i feel like an asshole, like i’m forcing him to be with someone he doesn’t want to be around or even listen to, anymore. he doesn’t want to listen to me. he used to like listening to me. and i’n all by myself. i hate this stupid computer. i’m using a fucking tumblr to say what i want to say to someon else, i jsut want someone to hold me. i even thought about my mom doing it hate her. i just want someone so bad. he won’t do it anymore and i have no right to ask. he was being honest with me and even if it hurt, hes hurt too and i can’t ask. that’s so selfish. but what do i do? i don’t have anyone. i don’t have any friends. hes my friend. hes my best friend and i ruined it.
it was so stupid. i saw him smiling and just looking so lovely watching that show and he wasn’t even looking at me at all. wasn’t listening to me, wasn’t reading anything i had to say. like i wasn’t there. i first thought, it was cute cuz i like his smile but. i was invisible. i tried, i kept saying stuff and he never heard me and i kept typing stuff and he never looked. i feel so stupid, i keep stopping to cry. nothing okay. nothing fucking okay. i’m so lonely. i’ve been so lonely. i don’t even have friends anymore. i can’t go anywhere. my mom forbids me from being friends with anyone, i can’t even talk to anyone on the internet and she fucking asks if im lonely, im fucking lonely im fcuking lonely im fucking lonely i dont even have my fucking sister anymore to make this house more bearable
and i keep looking at my stupid phone hoping someone call sme. who would call me? no one. i don’t have any friends. i remember, once he was in disbelief i’d have less than 7 contacts. i didn’t check so im going to check now. what do you know? i have 6. i don’t have any fucking friends. i don’t fucking talk to anyone, im not fucking allowed. im just so sad. everyone gets tired of me. i feel selfish again. he said i once said i didn’t care if i was with him or not, just that he was happy and. im so stupid. i can’t do this to him. i got all stupid and selfish. im difficult. i always used to say i was too difficult for other people and he told me that was some sort of defense mechanism. no. i believed that but no. i am. i’ve never really had anyone close to me but him and it’s just confirmation.
i tried to find something that could make me feel better. i was trying to cuz i knew i’d changed and maybe if i picked up a new hobby to learn, i would feel better, it’d distract me and i’d start reverting to me but. he just got so upset. it’d be something to share with him and he could help me and could do fun stuff out of it together but. i feel bad. ever since i started drawing, every argument, he brings it up. says no one cares, he doesn’t know why i do it. i’ve tried not telling him about it anymore and i can’t. i wanted to share it and i can’t.i feel so stupid. i topped. i stopped typing this stupid thing to hold onto my stupid computer. i keep looking at my stupid phone hoping someone will call and its stupid. i only want to hear his voice. and he’s gone. he didn’t even want to sleep with me. oh my god. he didn’t even want to. what do i do. i shouldn’t force him to be with me. it’s not fair. im so selfish. i won’t anymore. ill ask him. ill ask him and if he wants to leave me, i won’t say anything. he still cares about me thats why hes with me. but i dont think he wants to anymore. and i feel so evil for trying to make him. hes the only person i like hearing. thats not his problem or his fault. i will talk to him. i will do the right thing. i just wish someone would hold me tonight and tell me they like me. not even that they love me, i just want someone to like me. thats pathetic. and who am i kidding? i just want him to. or something. that’s selfish.
i dont want to sleep. ill just have nightmares. maybe this is what was missing. talking about how i feel. i used ro blog a lot. i never ha d friends then. i just tried to talk about how i felt. i don’t feel any better. i think. i don’t know
THIS IS MY FAVORITE VINE OF ALL TIME
his second turns are amazing wtf lol
The Craft (1996)